No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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