i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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