soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
