there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
