you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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