dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
