I want to have your abortion
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
