the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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