my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
