Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
