ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
