I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
