I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
