this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
