dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
