Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
