Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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