White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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