he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
