You made me cry and you don't even care
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
