you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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