Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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