There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
