Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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