You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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