I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
