I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
