I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We had sex on a dog bed..
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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