Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My bed smells like the plague
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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