is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize