I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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