More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize