I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize