I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
