My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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