I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
