There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
