Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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