On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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