This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
