Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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