i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
