the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
