I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
