While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
