Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
