I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
