My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
