how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
