I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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