This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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