o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I deserve this hangover.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
