Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Come see our sink grown plant.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
