he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Vodka?
Forever.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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