we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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