Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
