if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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