Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
