I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
