This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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